Da-Da Mama

When it comes to joking & joshing, my four siblings and I all tend toward cheap and/or dark and/or salacious material. Back in the day, with all of us vying at the dinner table, we learned early to go in fast and low for the pun, the vicious taunt, the thinly-veiled breast reference. To this day I still like a thinly-veiled breast.

My father's always been a pretty quiet man but, still, he's got to be the one to blame for his children's ricochet, drive-by banter because, Mom?, she's no sardonic wit. She's an absurdist. Whenever my Mom reaches into the clever quiver, you can count on her pulling out the "got your nose!" arrow every time. Why, that's absurd! You don't have my nose, it's just your thumb! And I'm 40 years old, for pete's sake!

Once at dinner I was talking and I paused, saying, "lost my train of thought." Mom said, "Maybe the dog ate it."

Ridiculous, you see? No dog could eat a train of thought. Why would you even think of saying that? ("Maybe it was a gravy train of thought," said Dave, in my head just now.)

My brother Dave, with his "Gadzooks!" and his vaudevillian stage whispering, actually didn't fall too far from the tree, come to think of it. He's been using the same goofy punch lines for a very, very long time (he's a Dad). Brother Keith, while pretty quick with a line, is a master of the single entendre and often leaves you going, "what was that supposed to mean?" Steve keeps his powder dry but then, whammo!, he'll pull the rug right out from under you with some very high comedy. And Lisa's just an unpleasant, humorless woman.

"Piss off."

But Mom, man she loves those non-sequiturs. I'm trying to think of another example. If I could, you'd see right here exactly what I mean. I don't know why I can't think of one. An example would help a lot. That's too bad.

When Mom was the age that I am now, well, that was 1980. She and Dad had five kids, all in high school and junior high, each involved in at least one illegal hobby. But even so, we knew the house rules. We knew to ask permission, and we knew what time dinner was and that we'd damn sure better be there and that we'd eat what we were having and not something else. Mom was pretty strict! But that just made us a bunch of comedians because, let's face it, strict is funny. In addition to her Momming duties, she was a Psych Nurse at the hospital (also funny). And she was a den mother, or whatever they're called, for Lisa's troupe of angry, humorless Brownie scouts (hysterically funny in their little paramilitary getups -- out there every day, fighting the Boy). Through it all, Mom has loved to sing and talk and make those pretty little jokes like she's talking to a retarded child.

If something really gets us all laughing, though, Mom gets serious and steps in on behalf of moderation and sobriety with her best-known catch phrase, "You know, that's funny but it's not." And then goes on to explain how, when the fat lady fell on the ice she may have busted her sacroiliac, which is very painful and requires years of PT. Thanks for all the straight lines, Mom!

It's funny, but it's not.

Without us really even noticing, she kept us all dressed (badly), schooled, unjailed, overfed, and showing up back at the house every night by lights-out. Above all, she kept us feeling safe enough to go out into the world without a fear. That's pretty good. Here I am in 2007 and I can't even remember to feed the damn cat every day. Thanks, Mom. Happy Mother's Day. Thanks for all your really dumb jokes. I love you!

Look out! He's coming to get you! (Just kidding!)