E X C L U S I V E !

Just a few short days before his epic trial date, we contacted Keith Everyman to request a sit-down:

Mr. Keith,

Would you be willing to answer a few questions regarding your upcoming day in court?

Adoringly objectively,

Peter Cojones, Newsman

He replied:

Little Peter, I'm a man of few words, and the thought of answering questions for public review is a daunting one. The rationale that helps me find my voice is that the People need to know. I personally believe that our education like such as South Africa and The Iraq everywhere like such as ... and so that we will be able to help build up our future, for our children.

So we put a few questions to him:

Tell me, Keith, how you feel tonight.

Tiny Peter, I ate pasta stuffed with cheese for dinner tonight. The pan of water took a solid 10 minutes to come to a boil. Knowing that a watched pot will ne'er boil, I tried not to look and distracted myself by eating Cheeto's^®, Frosted Flakes^®, and two of those Zingers^® - the red ones. I don't really feel that good.

Do you plan to put up a fight?

I'm hoping the judge and jury are reasonable, right-thinking folks who understand what it means to get their asses kicked.

Do you feel that you've had the breaks?

Well, I will say that I have a wide stance.

What would you say were your big mistakes?

Speeding.

Do you think that you may retire?

There was nothing wrong with the tires.

Did you think you would get much higher?

I don't understand why I let the things I did get so out of hand in the first place. I probably could have managed better if I'd had a plan.

How do you view your coming trial?

I view it on my calendar, between Meet the realtor and Call Jim & follow up.

Have your friends proved at all worth while?

My friends are a pack of scurrilous, indolent, slack-jawed mouth breathers. But I wouldn't trade a single one of them to save my entire family. Throw in a bass boat? Still, no.

Who's prettier, Anjelina Jolie or Sophia Loren?

Either one would have torn out of Strasburg without a ticket.

Care for a doughnut?

Thank you, yes, I might have one.